| INTRODUCTION | xii |
| Gums's Rolls Royce Movement .................................................. | 7 |
| Dime Droppin' ................................................................ | 10 |
| Insolent Noise ............................................................... | 10.5 |
| Forgetting Things That Matter ................................................ | 11 |
| Cheesecake ................................................................... | 13 |
| Hoofing With The Nicholas Brothers ........................................... | 22 |
| A Gentleman's Guide To Proper Care ........................................... | 44 |
| RGB Is The Color (Of My True Love's Hair) .................................... | 57 |
| Field Recordings of Burmese Pythons .......................................... | 70 |
| Sex For Breakfast ............................................................ | 99 |
| This Day In Rap History ...................................................... | 101 |
| Checking-In .................................................................. | 187 |
| Philadelphia ................................................................. | 215 |
| Fear of Hangnails ............................................................ | 268 |
| Victor Mature & Co. .......................................................... | 333 |
| Paris Graf ................................................................... | 350 |
| On Equine Law ................................................................ | 416 |
| Gloria Grahame, or Who Is Anthony? ........................................... | 427 |
| ................................................................. | 666 |
| Why Didn't You Do What You Said You Were Going To Do Last Night? ............. | 888 |
| INDEX ........................................................................ | 939 |
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